1. |
____ ______
01:23
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2. |
I was razor blades
03:19
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If I knew how to calm myself down, well we probably wouldn't talk as much
and I can't help thinking that you echo the sentiment.
I had never even claimed to be self-reliant, I wouldn’t,
I was sort of a wreck, and I guess I’m selfish.
I had never even claimed to be self-dependent, you assumed that.
And to be honest, I wasn’t really listening, I get a little distracted.
I had never even claimed to keep it together, at least I was sort of consistent.
Things fall apart sometimes and pull too far and fray the threads.
I had never even claimed to be understanding—
I was relentless.
I’m not sure that I don’t want you to come over,
but I’m a little bit scared that you might break.
Still, I can’t remember the last time we hung out and got high on the couch and you slept over, and we missed the whole morning.
You get so mean when you want to die.
You’re so mean.
I’m not sure if I don’t want you to undress, trust,
I’m a little bit scared that you might break.
It’s just I fully remember you walked into traffic and I started laughing, always so dramatic.
I was razor blades.
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3. |
you to impulse
03:00
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I don't even own that Topshelf shirt, I'm not even punk,
I like collars and I keep my hair short.
and I sort of slept on Snowing, Title Fight, and Lemuria,
P.S. Eliot was always pretty tight though.
I wasn’t ever your boyfriend and I guess your friends are just given to gossip,
and you to impulse, I get it, it still hurts, it’s just sad that you were in control.
And oh man, I forgot how high school this scene gets.
I’ll be honest if you’ll stop yelling,
and I get it, I’m compulsive, but they’re just feelings.
It’s just something about you seems sad about living,
do you even like yourself?
It was all starting to come and go.
I wanted to get to know you so we could get high and talk about your art,
I was just apprehensive and anxious, you’re precious, and everything was quietly coming apart.
It wasn’t ever forever, so sure that you sort of hate yourself,
still, every time we talk or touch or you come over, you’re blood in my mouth.
Still, god damn, I forgot how high school this scene gets.
I’ll be honest if you’ll stop yelling,
like bike rides in flash floods, cathartic or something,
just something about you seems sad about living,
do you even like yourself?
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4. |
those couple of weeks
02:50
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It was like the novelty of Ryan Gosling playing in an emo band,
and writing so cliche and tasteless, kids are still fucking pretentious,
and PS— I don't love you, and we are never ever getting back together,
Kylie, and I won't call you next time I'm in upstate.
Thought I might replay the night before I left and tape over it,
you in your red dress, in iridescence.
And we can pretend this song is about Rochester or Syracuse,
cause I got a parking ticket in Buffalo and I use it as an excuse
to not see you and to never call you
and to consciously avoid you.
It was like the novelty of Macaulay Culkin singing for a normcore band,
and kids in Warbey Parker glasses and cutoffs listen like cult masses
but shit gets old, and I got to know you like Next Fall, your voice would be going out of style,
and you make life like a black balloon, held down by impossibly tangled wires.
We can pretend this song is about wherever your parents are from
and bands you loved in high school, but wouldn't be caught dead mouthing the words now as it plays along.
I sort of started to get over you as soon as I got to know you.
I was just completely mistaken when I thought I might miss you.
Cause you were like the novelty of Brad Pitt screaming for a post-skramz hardcore band from Philly,
and everyone was really into it.
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5. |
you were glaciers
02:48
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I wrote this in the basement of my parents’ house,
and recorded it to your voicemail three years later.
You’re everything.
I guess I might be distant or maybe difficult to be around
and starting to fall apart.
If I was clearly staring, it was mostly cause there was cause to.
Still, I’m not sure if I made it up afterwards, or if you were sort of staring too.
And I don’t think about it every day anymore.
How you are a blue-white blur against Antarctica.
Oh, you were volatile, still, you deserve it all,
you were that volcano over in Iceland, so
if it’s impossible to let the small shit go,
I know, something’s wrong and it’s not working, still, you were a loss of control.
If I was sort of slipping, I didn’t mean it, it was just like, three in the morning,
and you still weren’t eating and then you were trouble sleeping, it’s just you were generally so sad for no reason.
But I don’t think about it every day anymore,
that you are a blue-white blur against Antarctica.
If you want it all, then you should take it all,
and I’m not still sure what to call it, starting to get sort of violent,
you’re such a wreck and you hate this, I get it.
Honestly, it’s not fucking worth it.
Still, I wrote this in the basement of my parents house and recorded it to your voicemail three years later:
you’re everything.
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6. |
like you want me
01:45
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Fluorescent lights give me headaches and they’re all over your room,
I don’t know how you live here, and I guess I can assume that you
are talking to yourself because you hate everyone else,
but you get bored with your body and it reads to you like you want me.
I want to be relevant to you all the time,
I want to be lethal, and sort of distant and kind of like
your ex-boyfriend, uncorked bottles of red wine.
I guess I thought I was something you might like.
Fluorescent lights give me headaches and they’re all over your room,
I don’t know how you sleep here.
I’m not sure why I keep thinking that this might get better.
I was driving and I guess I was speeding.
You were a brick wall and you weren’t relenting,
like lack of sleep, trouble breathing, and being neurotic about things,
anxious that you might get cool and stop caring.
Still, I’d hope you’re happy.
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7. |
that I like you--
03:41
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Things I know about you: you're colorblind and you love your parents
but you don't talk that often, and you get shy all the time.
And you lost your contacts on purpose last week cause
you got tired of drying out your eyes.
And you like dinosaurs more than you like people or dogs.
And you've developed voices for all your friends’ inner monologues.
And the first two vinyl you ever bought were both Frank Sinatra.
and your favorite color is red, and you were a scene kid in high school.
And I'm not sure what it is that keeps you happy on a day-to-day basis.
You are always smiling, just straight laughing to yourself
about something you just thought of that happened late last week.
And I'm not sure what you were thinking of doing before your bus ride home,
but your stop is sort of on my way and you're in my head, nearing perfect,
and if ever I make you blush from talking too much, it’s just cause you deserve it.
Things I like about you: you're sort of a mess inside.
and how you push your tongue to the roof of your mouth every time that you get high.
And you have the most leather jackets but none of them are leather.
And it might be a total constructed facade but it feels like you've got shit together.
And that I like you is such an understatement that it feels like a lie.
And I'm not sure what it is that makes you want to keep hanging out with me,
and listen through frenetic monologues until I stop cause forgetting breathing,
it's not charm, it’s dissociative and it won’t go away.
And I'm not sure what you were like the last few months of this past year
but I was a completely different person with completely different priorities,
but I still misuse love and fall in heavy, too quickly.
It’s just you make this feel like a movie, quite cliche, and everything happened all at once.
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8. |
_blue_shifts_
00:50
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9. |
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I got a thing that I thought you might like in Rhode Island,
it was from, like, 1903,
And she signed a heart next to first and last name, “I love you and miss you,
I can’t wait to see you, sincerely, yours.”
And maybe it was obvious that you make thoughts frenetic.
And maybe I was relentless, maybe I’m missing something,
maybe I’m just having trouble working shit out in my head.
Like maybe it was obvious, that I was a little out of it.
And maybe I came off as a little bit toxic.
And maybe I was a half-page postcard I was happy you never read.
And I was never gonna tell you,
I guess I thought that might hurt you.
You waited ’til the end of the car ride to even start that conversation,
and if either one of us were to lose focus, both of us might collapse into pieces,
You’re scattered eye contact, and I’m waiting for you to blink.
And I can’t but you can do better than me.
So maybe it was obvious that you make thoughts frenetic.
And maybe I get malicious, maybe I’m missing something,
maybe it was obvious that I sort of wanted to be dead.
Like maybe it was obvious, that I was a little out of it.
And maybe I’m just a skeptic but I’m calling bullshit.
And maybe I still look for pieces of you in everything,
and you’re something I can’t distance.
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10. |
I was a demolition
02:08
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It’s cool to see the summer didn’t get in the way of
your all black, forever, you’re spiteful when you’re in your headspace.
I can tell that you’re happy,
even when you’re no fun.
Even if lately, you’ve not felt like laughing
very often at all, like you’re not moving on.
I was a demolition,
you were a small black dress discarded onto the floor.
it’s not just that I want you,
it’s I know we’re friends but I’d fight him if you thought I had to.
I don’t even like my friends, and pizza’s stupid,
and I don’t know, I thought maybe it could stay like this,
like you had blue hair until the end of your
sophomore year of college.
Still, I could tell that you’re happy,
even though you’re no fun.
Like lately, you’ve not felt like laughing,
it doesn’t mean I’m moving on.
Still, I was a demolition,
you were a thin red dress discarded onto the floor.
it’s not just that I want you,
it’s I know we’re friends but I’d fight him if you thought I had to.
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11. |
_red_shifts_
03:23
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I’ve been thinking of your midriff lately,
and how it moves in time with your breathing
and your slowed pace of speech and your heartbeat.
I’ve been thinking I might want to take you
and pull all your insides out
on the front steps of my house out through your mouth.
All I want is a cute boy that drinks too much
and doesn’t get shy in front of people.
and who feels like blue shifts, or your black dress, or the front seat of your car.
It’s just I know how you are.
So touch me. Cause we both know how badly you want me.
There’s the same spot on my neck, I shiver when you bite me.
Like you were a vampire, and I wanted you to take me.
Just take me.
That all you wanted was a pop punk princess,
with some aesthetic of early 90s goth.
You’re always train wrecks and I couldn’t stop it,
but still, I’ve been thinking that I could just break you
and pull all your insides out.
And ruin your new blouse,
though I might not have to.
You feel like red shifts.
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12. |
like you hate me
04:57
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I don’t know, shit started moving
and you were everywhere,
and I couldn’t stop it, it started shifting,
it was always, always, like you always said,
that it’s no longer relevant.
You were glaciers, calmly dismissing control,
you were the swell of the sun swallowing the Earth whole.
You were blue shifts, like maybe it could stay like this,
but I couldn’t stop it; it started slipping, it
was always, always like shit always seemed:
that it’s no longer interesting.
Sometimes I hate myself because you’re not obsessed with me.
I just want you like you like me.
Like I like you like you wreck me.
Fuck me like you hate me.
I was confidently contributing, compelling, and calm and just listening.
I was high the whole time.
I was focused, you were fireworks,
emphatic, and breath just like sparklers.
Dismissive, it’s fucking fine.
I can’t keep it, I can’t eat and maybe I shouldn’t so often, so take me.
And I still can’t breathe, I can tell they don’t like me, and I’m not sure, it just started shifting.
I just want you like you like me.
Like I like you like you wreck me.
I just want you like you hate me.
I will hurt you, I don’t love you,
but if we stop talking, your heart might stop working so
I don’t have to but I still might leave you in disrepair.
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cllctyrslf Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
post-emo // pop //
-core band from philadelphia
for booking:
cllctyrslf@gmail.com
<3
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