-​-​if ever you should

by cllctyrslf

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Kami I saw them when they played the bk night bazaar for free with tiny moving parts and iioi. Favorite track: That I like you is such an understatement.
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03:07

about

so I wrote some songs and these are those. there were a couple more that will probably make their way to tumblr or something, but these songs fit best as a whole piece.

some of these songs are sort of bitter, and I'm not usually that bitter of a person, so I'm sorry for that. mean songs are just fun sometimes. one of these is actually a really nice song. either way, I like most people and we can totally probably be friends if you want to. thanks for checking this out. It will be free download forever, and I put lots of time into these songs, so you're like, really cool for that.

share with your friends and stuff too if you're into it plz <3

thanks guys. Ily a lot.

--Lucas

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released August 26, 2014

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about

cllctyrslf Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

post-emo // pop //
-core band from philadelphia

for booking:
cllctyrslf@gmail.com

<3

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Track Name: I Was a Poem
All I can think is your hands on your hips, and your arms are angled off to the sides.
And he walks up behind you, pushes hands through the holes,
and wraps his whole weight around you.
So hands won't stop flinching, and voice won't stop shaking,
and I probably waste my time, writing and thinking
that somewhere along this line, I might start getting better.

Some solace, i guess, is you're frenetic and always afraid,
and I still can't breathe when I see you.
And I feel nothing for how this is, this relentless distance,
it's about the same as space, it comes and goes in waves,
and I'm still not sure how we grew apart, with effort, but effortless.

All I can think is his hands on your hips, and your tongue and his lips,
and you're laughing and visibly making some conscious effort to pull away.
Cause you hold yourself, a contortionist, hiding herself in plain sight,
you're a sculpture or otherwise, practiced at moving on, detracting and breathing.

Some malice persists, and I'm trying to let things go,
and to let people move and to fix themselves.
but it's borderline Hate cause it's borderline Love.
And I was a poem, and you were a blue paper crane,
hanging from the ceiling in my room, on a thin white thread,
and you swell until you burst and bloom.
And I'm only bitter that you are feeling better as of distance,
and as of space.
and I think it's cancer, and I was a liar,
but either way, you're happy as of late.
And I wrote love songs after sad songs after waiting for the candle flames
to spill little pins, I'm happy you're happy,
even if it's easier without me.

And I guess it might just have surprised me
how you really didn't miss us at all.
Track Name: That I like you is such an understatement
Things I know about you, you're colorblind and you love your parents
but you don't talk that often, and you get shy all the time.
And you lost your contacts on purpose last week cause
you got tired of chemicals in your eyes.
And you like dinosaurs more than you like people or dogs.
And you've developed voices for all your friends inner monologues.
And the first two records you ever bought were both Frank Sinatra.
and your favorite color is red, and you were a scene kid in high school.

And I'm not sure what it is that keeps you happy on a day-to-day basis.
You are always smiling, just straight laughing to yourself
about something you just thought of that happened late last week.
And I'm not sure what you were thinking of doing before your bus ride home,
but your stop is sort of on my way and you're in my head, nearing perfect,
and if ever I make you blush from talking too much, it'll just cause you deserve it.

Things I like about you: you're sort of a mess inside.
and how you push your tongue to the roof of your mouth every time that you feel shy.
And you have the most leather jackets but none of them are leather.
And it might be a total constructed facade but it seems like you've got shit together.
And that I like you is such an understatement that it feels like a lie.

And I'm not sure what it is that makes you want to keep hanging out with me,
and listen through frenetic monologues until I stop cause forgetting breathing,
it's not like charm, it's embarrassing and it's not something I can change.
And I'm not sure what you were like the last few months of this past year
but I was a completely different person with completely different priorities,
but I still misuse love and fall in heavy, too quickly.

You make this feel like a movie, quite cliche, and everything happened all at once.
Track Name: I Bet It Happens to You Too
All these same four chords that I use for almost everything
when I have something to say and can't see it starting to dissipate,
your disposable camera distorted the outer edge of the frame,
and the quiet hum of the flash and your fingers waited patiently.
Maybe I never saw the end of August coming and
maybe I never noticed how the pace of your speech changed,
but I liked it a whole lot and can't it starting to flare or fade.
Let's drown ourselves in the river sometime later this Winter.

I know you don't deserve it but I hope the most wonderful tragedies find you,
those disasters come to you,
I know you don't deserve it but I hope that someday you feel better.
I know you don't deserve it but I hope that someday you get better.

Because if you don't, then maybe I won't either
and that just makes us a waste of carbon and iron,
and if you'd stop breathing out, you'd stop attracting bees.
And you're collecting this composure, in kind of like a composition
and now it's Winter and losing sleep, and I know you're having trouble sleeping.
If you stop thinking of him, you might start moving forward.

You checked my pulse while I was sleeping,
when my breathing started to slow,
and darling, that happens.
I bet it happens to you too,
you checked my pulse while I was sleeping and
held the back of your hand between my upper lip and the tip of nose, discreetly.

I know you don't deserve it but I hope that someday you feel better.
I know you don't deserve it but I hope that someday you get better.
I know you don't deserve it, but maybe we just shouldn't talk,
we both hurt each other, and It's repetitive and getting old.

I know you don't deserve it but I hope that someday you feel better.
Just cause if you don't, then maybe I won't either
and that just makes us a waste of marrow and fibers,
and if you'd stop breathing out, you might just fade away.
Track Name: Teeth
I know that you're better but I won't get older
as long as I'm trapped in the back of this car
and maybe even I'll stop waiting eclipses.
And you'll start cutting your hair and you'll stop mumbling
and speaking under your breath, you'll have no lack of confidence.
And I'll, into separate segments, get torn apart.

And you'll be so sure that you were the better person and all you have is Grace,
though it's so obviously water, I could tell before the state.
and I think that this might have started to fall a long, long time ago.
It's Thursday, under some awning, with rain pouring down.
onto pavement and onto your hair.
and it's a god damned shame you chose to wear make-up.

Cause now you look like you haven't slept in weeks, and aww, you're trying to hide it.

I get it, you're lonely, but I don't get lonely,
I don't ever trace my breathing, or incessantly check pulse or pace,
I think that you're a cynic, and I was obsessive,
and effort spent to keep sleep away.
Imagined, I was driving, car was spinning, handled awkwardly,
and then ejected from the drivers seat.
And when the windshield broke, I I didn't feel the
calm, quiet, relentless, luminescent teeth.

And everything fell dark and then lit up,
white, gold, red, blue and green. And I didn't think of you.
It didn't even occur to think of you.
I guess it dissipated into distance, and it's sort of sad,
the way the light collects into space.
But I didn't think of you.

It's like telling someone never to speak to you again
and then calling them once a week to remind them that you still hate them.
Track Name: Titled
I want to thank you for being there when I needed to talk at two in the morning
and your eyeliner isn't running, you can't stop rubbing your face.
I know how you are and you are understanding, well understood,
and I wanted to thank you for being there whenever you were.
And if you're having trouble breathing, I want you to know I'm here.
And I will not tread softly, I want you to hear me here.

Cause you tend to push things away, you tend to misinterpret
distance, fuck interdependence, it's disconcerting,
people get close to each other and then tear apart.
I think that I'm generally a happy person.
It's just the past few weeks, it's been apparent that likely not.
I think I might be a little bit less than a person, and presence
is effort with intention in mind,
and I might be a little less than a person.

So I never finished the books you lent me,
I purposefully just stopped reading,
so you'd still have some reason to hit me up.
And I know how you are, reach for understanding
over ever feeling understood,
You're good to leave when you want to, if ever you should.

Still if you're having trouble sleeping, I want you to feel me here,
and I won't touch too softly, I want you to feel me here.

And I might might talk too fast, hold your hair back,
and push a glass of ice water,
try to relax, reproach with tact, the camera flash is blinding but,
I kept it trained on you cause you could never really see anyway.